There are many things women conveniently forget about pregnancy and child-rearing, and it’s a good thing, or we’d all be only children. I had my two kids close together (21 months apart) and I still had no recollection of how badly contractions hurt, how tired I would be breast feeding every 2 hours for weeks on end, what my lady parts would feel like after birthing another baby, and many other things that would have prevented me from getting pregnant again.
I’m 5 1/2 months out now and I now remember another thing I conveniently shoved deep into my brain trying not to process that it could happen again. Intense baby blues. For me, with both of my kids, the baby blues don’t show up until I wean them from the breast.
I have decided I have had enough with nursing now that my son is working on a few teeth. Nuff said. I feel a little sad about it, but mostly I feel proud that I made it 5 1/2 months and through NICUs and pumping and sleepless nights and a toddler grabbing my hand to show me things in the middle of trying to feed her brother. I’m ready to move on now, and he has had no problem with it either.
I had a wonderful morning yesterday with the kids and my brother. We watched some Sesame Street and listened to Sofia babble on about everything she has ever learned or heard in her short lifetime. We giggled and played, I took the baby to his well visit at the pediatrician, we took my brother to the train, and then headed to Gymboree to play with my friend Xena and her daughter Annabelle. Then it was home for a nap for both kids and a little horrible reality tv and laundry for mom.
When they woke up from their nap, instead of more play and giggling, I felt an intense fog of depression wash over me. I just wanted to go straight to bed and not wake up for a few days. We picked up daddy from the train and I started cooking dinner and tried to shake this crazy, illogical heaviness off of me, but couldn’t. I finally said something to my husband about it (he thinks i’m nuts anyway what did I have to lose) and he hugged me and tried to cheer me up but all I could do was cry. So I did what any adult mom of 2 who is 30 years old would do. I called my mommy.
My mom reminded me that I went through this exact same thing when I weaned Sofia and that it’s just hormonal and I will be fine in a few days. Doesn’t make it any easier but it does make it less scary. A little crazy how I just forgot something so intense that I went through just 2 years ago.
Hoping to be rid of this feeling in a few days so I can get back to the happy mommy my kids and I deserve. And when the fog lifts, I will be so glad to feel like me again.
If you experience sadness like I described and it lasts longer that just a few days and you have thoughts of hurting yourself or your kids please call your doctor and get help. Post Partum Depression is no joke and is not something you can snap out of on your own.